How to Develop an Assertive Communication Style
After helping various clients develop a way to communicate their wants, needs, and feelings assertively, I’m going to share some simple ways you can develop a communication style that can help you be assertive.
What are the styles of communication?
When it comes to communication, there are 4 main styles. Passive, assertive, passive-aggressive, and aggressive.
A passive style means that you are not upfront about your wants, needs, and feelings. You may be the kind of person that “just goes with the flow” and tries to avoid conflict. This may leave you feeling angry/hurt/upset that your needs, wants, and feelings aren’t being considered by others.
An assertive style of communication is when you can communicate your needs, wants, and emotions in a clear way, while also considering the needs, wants, and emotions of others. It’s the healthy balance between passive and aggressive styles of communication.
A passive-aggressive style of communication is giving in to others’ demands/requests when emotionally you don’t want to. You may use sarcasm when you are talking to others or feel angry about the task you agreed to do. This can create feelings of anger or resentment similar to a passive style of communication.
An aggressive style means that you don’t consider the needs, wants, or feelings of others. You may use a loud tone when you speak, you may shout or yell, or say hurtful things. An aggressive style can make it difficult for others to trust you or want to talk to you.
Tips for Being Assertive
It may be difficult to start communicating assertively if you are used to communicating in another way. This way of communicating may take a while to develop but using these tips and practicing in your conversations will help it to become easier over time.
- Using “I” statements. This helps you to label your thoughts, feelings, needs and wants without placing blame on the other person. An example of this could be “I feel hurt when you ignore me” instead of “You never listen to me!”
- Saying “No”. It can be difficult to turn down others when they ask us to do something. When you say “no” don’t feel like you have to explain yourself. “No” is a complete sentence. An example could be if your friend asks you to watch a movie you don’t like. You could respond by saying “No, thanks”.
- Practice saying what you want to say and start in low-risk settings. Practicing what you want to say can help you feel more confident when you go into the conversation. It can also help you see if you are being assertive or not. Starting to talk assertively in low-risk settings can help you build up to being assertive in tough conversations. An example of this could be talking to your boss about a pay raise.
- Be mindful of your emotions. Sometimes when we feel emotional during a conversation it can be difficult for us to maintain our calm composure and be logical. Being mindful of when you need to talk away to help collect your thoughts and feelings. This can help us from talking passively or aggressively.
Next Steps
If you find yourself experiencing challenges with communication, difficulty being assertive or just want to improve the way you communicate with others, feel free to contact one of our therapists at Voyage Counseling to see how we might be able to help you.
